


Chapter 2: This curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people

by Firebog



Series: The Only Thing We Have Left [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 20,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Firebog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the apocalypse and Cas is newly mortal trying figure out how to be (mostly) human, but Dean isn't the best teacher and the apocalypse isn't the best classroom.</p><p>(Companion piece to Chapter 2: Save Jess)</p><p>(If you are looking for the smutty chapters they are so far, Chapter 1: Crossed Connections and Chapter 7: No Smoke Without A Fire)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crossed Connections

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and the other fics in this series run in tandem with the series [But Instead, We Become This.](http://archiveofourown.org/series/97775) This series isn't in order of how they happened, they're in the order that Cas thinks of them/remembers them/denies all existence of them. If you would like to read them in order there is (will be) a list in the appendix. Yes there is (will be) an appendix. However until the appendix is posted this series will be rather hard to read as a coherent story. If you'd like to read them disjointed and in seemingly random order without reading the other fic, you're welcome to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***There's sex below if you don't want to read it***
> 
> This chapter is related to [Wendigo....or not](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/4876638).

Castiel nods again. They've been laying on the ground, heads under the impala for a half hour as Dean tries to explain to him the finer points of the vehicle's brakes and all the things that might go wrong with them. Castiel has concluded that yes, brakes do stop the car and that they can malfunction in an unsettlingly large number of ways. Castiel's eyes narrow as Dean taps the underside of the car and finishes up his lecture.

Dean turns to see Cas squinting up at the car like he's reading one of Bobby's old books about black magic. _No, Cas would get that. It's like he's trying to figure out an episode of I Love Lucy._ He grins and elbows Cas playfully, "Didn't get a word of that did you?"

"I got..... _some_ of it." Castiel says still staring up. _How do humans come up with these things? The intricacies alone...and the number of discoveries needed before hand..._ Humans continue to surprise Castiel.

Dean can see the wheels turning on overdrive in Cas's brain. He chuckles and starts sliding out from under the car, "Come on. Any more and your brain might explode."

"My brain...oh." Cas says as he catches on that Dean meant that figuratively. He squirms out from under the car and sits up. He brushes the dirt from his arms and off his newly acquired t-shirt, "Yes, that's probably enough to think about for today."

Dean laughs as Cas stands up. Cas's hair is full of dirt. He waves Cas over, "C'mere a minute."

Castiel steps over wondering why Dean wants him closer. Even though they've been engaging in sexual intercourse as of late Dean still requires his highly coveted personal space.

Dean quickly ruffles Cas's hair, brushing the dirt out. Cas is staring at him with those ridiculous blue eyes. _And they're **his** now._ Dean stops, hand still in Cas's hair. _That's **Cas** I'm looking at._ It still catches him off guard even with more than a few weeks to get used to it. _Jesus Cas, why didn't you tell me you were going mortal. I coulda been there._ Dean still doesn't know what happened that day. Cas won't talk about it.

Dean is looking at him strangely. Castiel stares back unsure of what it means. He hasn't seen that look in Dean's eyes before. _It doesn't look negative but it's.....different._

Dean slides his hand down from Cas's hair to the side of his face. He rubs his hand along the stubble. _Why couldn't you let me be there for you?_ Dean runs his hand down to Cas's chin. _I thought you were dying all that week._ He tilts Cas's head up. _I thought you were dying and I was too fucking scared to tell you I love you. Still am._ He leans in and kisses him: the newly mortal angel in a Zeppelin t-shirt that still doesn't get personal space but that's okay with Dean.

Castiel doesn't move. He's caught off guard by the kiss. Dean doesn't kiss him unless they're engaging in intercourse and rarely even then. Then just as suddenly as it started it stops. Dean quirks a smile at him and chuckles. _What're you doing?_ Castiel narrows his eyes at Dean trying to understand.

There's utter confusion all over Cas's face as if they haven't kissed before. Cas's mouth has dropped open a little as if he's trying to form a sentence. Dean licks his lips and kisses him again because it's too good a chance to pass up. He slides his tongue in past Cas's lips and Cas is still standing there like the huge dork he is. Dean runs his hands up and down Cas's sides enjoying him just being there, _Still alive._

The second kiss nearly has him pulling away in surprise but after a little hesitation Cas kisses back. He understands now. _Foreplay_. It's unusual for them but he's not opposed to it. _It feels almost as nice as sex._ He works his hand under Dean's shirt and starts pushing it up.

_Jesus Cas, I just wanted to kiss you._ Dean thinks as he lets Cas pull his shirt off. Cas gets it off and tosses it onto the roof of the impala. _Okay...I guess we can go for a quickie._ Dean looks around, "Where's Bobby and Kim?"

Castiel steps back confused. _Why does Dean want to know where Bobby and Kim are?_ He flies away to check. Then comes back. He's gone for a fraction of a second. It takes Dean longer to blink, "They're cleaning out the mess hall."

"Good." Dean says working up Cas's shirt. He pulls it off and throws it over beside his own.

"Good?" Castiel asks.

Dean opens the door to the backseat and hauls Cas inside, " _Good_."

"Good." Cas agrees as he works the buttons open on Dean's jeans. He understands now that often undressing one another is a part of foreplay, that simply whisking Dean's clothes off with his grace would hinder the activity. _I'm getting better at this._

Dean kicks his shoes off as Cas undoes his jeans. He isn't sure what's changed since Cas started wearing something other than his holy tax accountant get up but Dean likes it. Cas has been easier to touch since then. He's been.... _He's been more human_. That's it Dean realizes. _More human_. He thrusts his hips up as Cas pulls off his jeans and boxers. Then it's his turn. Dean pushes Cas back into the seat. There's that moment of resistance before Cas goes with it. Dean knows that these little gestures are special. That Cas is moving just for _him_. Cas doesn't have to move unless he wants to and Cas _wants_ to move for _him_.

Cas arches off the backseat as Dean removes his clothes, first pulling his shoes off and tossing them out the door then carefully removing his jeans. Dean is oddly slow about it. _Perhaps he's tired from working on the car._ Cas sits up on his elbows and looks Dean over. Dean doesn't seem overtly tired.

_Oh shit._ Dean takes in a sharp breath when he has Cas laid out before him. His eyes trail over Cas and Dean knows two things, _We are going to figure this fucking apocalypse out and then I'm dragging you to the nearest bed and we're never leaving it._ Dean slides his hands up Cas's legs reverently and adds a third thing to what he knows, _I am so fucked. Dear god, I need to be fucked._ It's not what they usually do. Cas has been running the show since they started this thing and hasn't asked to fuck him. _But we are gonna change that right now._ Dean thinks as he leans over the front seat to get the lube out of his glove box.

"What're you doing?" Castiel asks sitting up.

"Getting lube." Dean says except there isn't any. He moves the contents of his glove box around again as if that will change the fact but he knows it won't. Cas keeps the glove box organized. If he can't see it then it's not there. _Fuck. God fucking damn it. Fuck! I want to get that angel into me at least once!_

Castiel takes Dean's shoulder, his hand going over the raised scar of his handprint, and guides Dean into the back, "I told you before Dean. I don't require it."

Dean yelps as he's dragged down to the backseat. Cas has a habit of forgetting just how strong he is. Before Dean can say the lube is for him Cas has straddled his lap and sinks down on Dean's cock. Dean groans. He can't help it. Even if it freaks him right the fuck out when Cas does it, it feels fucking awesome every time. _Next time. Next time I'll get him to fuck me._ His hands go to Cas's hips as Cas starts moving. _Oh fucking god!_

"Despite being mortal I am still in control of my musculature. Among other things." Castiel says rocking his hips. He sets his hands on the back of the seat, one on either side of Dean's head, "I could conceivably dislocate every bone in my body if I felt inclined to do so."

Dean wrinkles his nose at that, "Yeah, please don't feel inclined to do so."

Cas smiles at him and moves his hips faster. The car starts to rock gently with them. _I hope the brakes don't suddenly give out._ Dean's explanation of them made them seem rather fragile and he doesn't want to have to stop because the car is rolling away.

Dean slides one hand down to grab Cas's dick and stroke it while he watches Cas. _How the fuck did I get this lucky? Why the hell do you keep hanging around me?_ Dean wonders as he watches the little flickers of emotion in Cas that others would miss. _Oh fuck, I am so fucked. Love you so much._ Then he groans as he feels Cas tighten up, _Yeah full musculature control. I'm down with that._ It's not the only strange part of having sex with Cas. No matter how many times they do it Dean's pretty sure sex with Cas will always be the weirdest sex he's ever had. It's not wet and messy. It's dry– but it's not _painful_ dry. Things seem to just glide over one another in ways they shouldn't. It's definitely not human; as human as Cas has been lately. It's weird and....angelically clean. And he loves every second of it because it's Cas.

Cas watches Dean carefully. He's begun to notice there are certain things that Dean prefers; clenching tighter around him towards the end, touching his face early on. Castiel takes note of these things and files them away to be tested for validity the next time they have sex. Cas lets a hand start to wander as he drags himself up and down Dean's dick. Castiel considers the time. If they finish soon they should be able to help Bobby and Kim clean the mess hall and have it done before dark. He clenches tighter around Dean.

Some days they go forever and other days Cas drives him mad in a couple of minutes. Dean starts to take in harsh breaths. This is one of those couple of minutes days. He pulls at Cas's dick a few more times but eventually gives up trying to get them to come at the same time. Cas always waits him out. He lets go and wraps his arms around Cas. He thrusts up wildly. He buries his face into the side of Cas's neck. _Cas! Fuck, love you, oh fuck, Cas, love you, love you._ That heated need rips through him and he gasps for breath between groans. His head is muddled up from the high of his orgasm but one thing gets through crystal clear, _Cas!_

Cas sits still in Dean's lap running his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean shivers. Castiel adds that to the things he'll try again. A smile manages to steal its way onto Cas's face. Giving someone else pleasure when so often he seems to only bring pain or misfortune gives him an odd sense of satisfaction. _I think I understand why Dean chooses to sleep with so many others. It's more than just 'blowing off steam'._ He strokes Dean's hair and wonders if Kim would be amicable to having intercourse. _She seems sad much of the time, maybe it would help._


	2. Celestial Magnet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas would welcome someone with a shotgun full of rock salt right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Midterms and Holy Water](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/4968237).

The demon advances, picking its way between decaying machines on the factory floor. Castiel twists his hand expecting to feel the familiar cool weight of his blade manifesting and sliding into his palm. It doesn't.

Castiel twists his hand again as the demon stalks closer. Nothing happens. The demon starts laughing. He does it again with more force. He can feel his grace gathering in his arm trying to split off and form the blade but it's not completing. It's not manifesting as it should. The demon rushes him.

"Fuck." Cas grunts as he hits the ground hard enough to shake the walls. The demon falls with him and claws at his face. Cas isn't sure how much it would take to kill him these days and he doesn't want to find out. He concentrates on his blade. He can feel it. It's so close. It's as if it's right below the skin. He shoves the demon up. It's enough to allow him to get his knees up and kick the demon away.

Cas doesn't jump up after the demon. Instead he focuses on his blade. He sets the opposite hand on his arm and tries to _see_ what he wants to do, picture what he _needs_ to do if he doesn't want to find out how much it would take to kill him, "Fuck."

The demon is back on its feet. Castiel has a swift debate with himself. _Let it fall on me again or try to break its leg?_ He kicks out sharply. He hears the crunch and snap of bones breaking. The demon screams and hits the floor but it will be back up soon.

Castiel concentrates on his blade again, tries to force it out into this plane of existence. He pushes at it from within. He can hear the demon hobbling off to one side of the room. There's a sound of metal being torn apart. Castiel doesn't look up.

He still doesn't look up when he hears something metal drag across the floor towards him. Out of the corner of his eye he sees sparks. That makes Cas flick his eyes up for a second. The demon has torn a pipe off one of the machines. Sparks are bursting from the end of the pipe where it drags on the ground. 

"Fuck. For fuck– Dean where are you?" Cas would welcome someone with a shotgun full of rock salt right now. Castiel doesn't waste time looking for Dean. Instead he tries something new. The sparks have given him the idea. He gathers his grace in his hand as if he were going to smite a demon, not that he can do that anymore. He changes the charge of this gathered grace effectively making a celestial magnet. He swipes his hand down along his arm. He twists his wrist again. This time the blade is pulled out, yanked into this plane by the opposite charge of his grace. It's excruciating. He screams in pain as it tears itself away from the rest of his grace and slides into his hand.

There's no time to wallow in pain. He rolls over as the pipe crashes down where his head used to be. He scrambles up, preparing to face down the demon despite how his arm feels as though it may go limp with pain any minute now. He turns to face the demon. It flashes red and falls to the ground. Dean is standing behind it, knife in hand.

"You okay?" Dean asks. Cas's chest is heaving _. He doesn't usually get this worked up in a fight._ Dean narrows his eyes at the way Cas is holding his arm, "Broke it?"

"No." Cas says. He rubs his hand up and down his arm a few times. It doesn't help the pain. If anything it makes it worse.

Dean notices the tiny flinches Cas is trying to hide but now isn't the time to nitpick. _If Cas says he's okay, he's okay. He can heal himself up in the car._ And they've **got** to get to the car soon, "Come on. We're going to have company in a couple of minutes if we're not out of here."

Cas nods and follows Dean out. The pain in his arm spreads through him. It digs its claws into his heart. The edges of his vision turn grey and fuzzy as his heart starts to race. He feels cold and he can't seem to catch his breath. He staggers forward and grabs onto Dean. He can feel himself sliding down, falling to the floor, "...Dean?"

The last thing Castiel registers before he hits the ground is Dean frantically grabbing him and yelling his name. Cas would like to shake his head. Dean is breaking their rules for going outside the camp, _You're going to attract croats with all that shouting._


	3. Peanut butter and weevil crackers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His stomach rumbles. According to his stomach crackers, weevils, peanut butter, and jam is the best thing he's ever eaten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****If you read the title and you read the summary then you should get by now that those crackers are made with buggy flour. If that's squicks you stay away from this chapter.*****
> 
> This chapter is related to [Demonic signs and an extra bacon cheeseburger](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/5234534).

The crackers taste like butt hole. Dean has a sneaking suspicion Derek put sawdust in them as filler. _Or that's just what weevils taste like._ Dean thinks as he takes another cracker and scoops out peanut butter and jam from their respective packets. _Well more protein for all of us in that case._ His stomach rumbles. According to his stomach crackers, weevils, peanut butter, and jam is the best thing he's ever eaten. "Where'd you find it?"

"The diner and gas station a few miles down the road." Castiel says watching Dean eat. He knows the lower limit of what a human the size of Dean needs to eat in order to survive and they haven't quite reached that limit yet. _But it's not far away._ It's why half the packets of jam and peanut butter rationed to him are sitting in front of Dean, "It appears we overlooked a few things."

Dean rubs at the dull ache of his forehead. He's gone hungry before growing up the way he did but he's never been _starving_ until this winter. He scoops out the last of the peanut butter and jam onto another cracker. He glances over to see Cas staring at him. He looks down to the table in front of Cas. Cas isn't eating anything, "You got yours yet?"

"Yeah." Cas pats his jacket pocket and stares back at Dean until Dean nods satisfied with the answer. Cas glances at the window. It's snowing again. _I hate snow. I hate it so very much._ There's still months of snow to look forward to, effectively trapping everyone in camp until it melts.

Dean licks the remnants of peanut butter out of the plastic packet and watches Cas. He can see the muscles tightening as Cas clenches his jaw. A jaw that's too well defined. Cas is loosing weight. _Well we all are, aren't we?_ He sets down the thoroughly empty plastic packet and nods at Cas, "How much did you take?"

"All of it." Castiel says. He looks approvingly at the perfectly empty peanut butter packet. If Dean would let him he'd simply give him his entire meal for the day _. But Dean won't. Even though I don't need to eat as much._ Castiel thinks as he shifts in his seat under Dean's gaze. Cas clenches his jaw and bitterly finishes that thought, _I shouldn't have to eat at all._ He casts a glance at the remaining peanut butter and jam packets in front of Dean and hopes Dean won't give them away, "I thought I was going to be out another night."

Dean sighs. He'd like to yell at Cas for taking that much Adderall at once but he doesn't have the energy to do it. Instead he rubs at his head again, "How long before you crash?"

Cas thinks over how much he took and time passed since then. He shrugs, "Probably tomorrow afternoon."

Dean shakes his head. He doesn't have the energy to worry either. _But I should. I should worry that he's taken it often enough to know shit like that._ He sits up a little straighter and winces. Everything aches. "I'll come 'round and make sure you got your share for the day and ya know....whatever else you need."

 _Whatever else I need._ Cas thinks coldly. He gives Dean a chastising look, "You're out of breath walking to the HQ."

"Figured I could just lay there and take it." Dean tries to grin but it falls short. They've been having angry comedown sex since Cas started taking amps when he goes out and it gets rougher every time. _And I'm no better._ Dean thinks as he picks up the jam packet and starts licking that clean too, _Or I would be if I wasn't fucking starving._

"No." Castiel says.

Dean drops the spotless jam packet to the table and looks Cas over. He picks up the extra peanut butter and jam packets that he knows must be Cas's and leans over to tuck them into Cas's jacket pocket, "Well then take those back. Can't have you feeling like shit _and_ be starving."

Cas glares at him, "If I say yes will you eat them?"

Dean laughs because here they are negotiating fucking and starving. _What the fuck is wrong with us?_ Dean shakes his head but it only makes him dizzy. He rubs at his forehead until it stops, "No, probably give them to Heather, let her give them to whoever needs it more."

 _You need it more._ Castiel thinks. _You already eat less than everyone else but myself._ Cas clenches his jaw again. He digs into his pocket and angrily pulls out all the packets of jam and peanut butter, even the ones he had meant for himself. He dumps them into a pile in front of Dean. _There Dean. Take everything. It's all I can possibly give you._ He fixes Dean with a final glare before flying from Dean's cabin to his own.

Dean stares down at the pile of in front of him. The plastic packets reminding him of all those nameless diners he's stopped at one time or another. _I'd kill for a burger right now._ He sighs. _But I guess I'm settling for a spoonful of peanut butter and weevil crackers._ He moves aside a packet of peanut butter and sweeps the rest into his hand. He shoves them into his jacket pocket. He takes a deep breath before he stands- _Cas is right I'm gonna be out of breath by the time I get there_ \- and heads out to look for Heather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place a few hours after [4g of Protein](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3843043).


	4. The top of the list

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We don't need the Colt, Dean. We need to eat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Demonic signs and an extra bacon cheeseburger](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/5234534).

Castiel looks over the map. He lightly pencils in the areas that have flooded as the snow melts. Their main road is fine but many of the smaller roads have washed out. He's spent the last four days outside of Camp Chitaqua investigating safe routes. They desperately need to get out on the road and scavenge for supplies.

A sense of relief has been filling Castiel as the snow melts. _With the others mobile we're far more likely to find food._ He narrows his eyes at the line he has just drawn and erases it. His relief is not entirely altruistic. _And then I can stop being the sole provider._ Cas thinks and just the thought is another weight off his shoulders. The door to the HQ opens and he feels lighter again, "Hello Dean."

"Heard you ran into a hunter." Dean says letting the door slam closed behind him.

"Yes." Castiel frowns at the tone of Dean's voice. A little bit of that weight settles back onto his shoulders, "Lesley Halde."

"And?" Dean crosses the room to look at the map Cas is altering.

"....and he told me much of the area south of here is still dangerous burnt ruins." Castiel says and any relief he felt vanishes as he says it. _I know there was nothing I could do but...._ But the guilt he feels for it over a year later still burns in his ever diminishing grace. "He recommends we avoid it."

"Well yeah. I mean you burn down a county and let the croats take over..." Dean shrugs. There isn't much to say about what's left of the neighbours to the south, "So what did he say about the Colt?"

"The Colt?" Castiel asks.

Dean looks up from the map at Cas's confused tone. _Come on Cas. Don't drop the ball now. We **need** the Colt to end this._ Dean spreads his hand in a questioning gesture, "What? You just _forget_ about it?"

A shock of anger rips down Cas's spine at the condescension in Dean's voice. _I have been doing everything in my power to keep you alive these past months and the first thing you want to know about is **the Colt?**_ The pencil in Cas's fingers snaps. He drops the pieces and hisses out his answer, " _Yes_."

"You're serious?" Dean asks but from the look on Cas's face he doesn't have to wait for an answer, "You **_forgot._** "

It's not the first time that Castiel wishes desperately that there was still a barrier between himself and the body he wears. Anger should be cool and calculated, not this mess of chemicals rushing through his blood making his face heat up. Cas takes a deep breath, not to calm himself down. No, far from it. He has to rely on air squashed out of his lungs if he wants to be loud now, " **YES!** "

Dean doesn't flinch in the face of Cas yelling. He used to stare him down when he was full on angel. _Now he's got to be twenty pounds under weight._ Dean thinks while he stares right back at Cas. "Cas, we _need_ the Colt."

"We don't _need_ the Colt, Dean. We **_need_** to eat." Cas snaps. He can see some ridiculous response forming on Dean's lips. _No. You listen Dean Winchester. There's no point in that gun if you're dead._ Cas takes in an angry huff, " _That gun_ can wait until we're not on the brink of starvation."

 _It can't. It can't wait._ Dean wants to shout back. If they wait, if he lets things just happen, they're going to die. _You're gonna die in a hospital in Jackson County because of me._ Dean gets why foresight is considered a curse. He wishes he could just buckle down with Cas and start the search for something freakin' edible but he can't. He's got to worry about whether or not he can kill his brother before he meets up with him in Jackson County. Dean shakes his head, "Don't forget about it next time."

The nearly sympathetic way Dean admonishes him sets off another burst of anger in Cas. He stamps down on it. He picks up one half of the pencil and starts marking down another flooded area and tries to ignore Dean hovering nearby.

"Cas. I'm serious. Don't forget about it." Dean says when Cas bends back over the map.

"The main road into Grafton washed out." Cas says as he lightly crosshatches the washed out road, "We'll have to go up and around."

" _Cas_." Dean puts a hand down on the map and slides it away.

"I heard you the first time." Cas says trying to tug the map out gently from under Dean's hand with out ripping it.

Dean presses his hand down more firmly onto the map, "And...?"

"I won't forget." Cas says. He grabs Dean's wrist and pulls it up from the map. He slides the map away from Dean and starts cross hatching again, "It'll go right at the top of the list. If it's a choice between food or the Colt, I'll remember which to pick."


	5. Metacarpals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Feel better?"

For a moment all Cas can see is white and all he can feel is pain. He reels back. When he can see something other than that flash of white pain it's Dean's fist flying towards him intent on a landing a second blow to his jaw. Cas's hand darts up. He catches Dean's fist, digs his fingers in, and squeezes. There's an audible snap.

" _Fuck!"_ Dean yanks his hand back but Cas is still holding on. All he manages to do is twist his shoulder. Cas lets him go. Dean backs away and cradles his broken hand in the other one.

Cas rubs at his jaw. His grace is feeding him a string of information about the severity of the injury but beyond knowing it's a simple fracture easily healed, he doesn't care because he broke Dean's hand and he had _meant_ to do it. Fear goes straight to his heart. _What if I can't heal it?_ He steps forward. Dean's eyes flick up but he doesn't back away. There isn't any fear there despite what he just did. He puts his hand out gesturing for Dean's broken one.

"Feel better?" Dean snaps and doesn't let Cas heal him.

"No." Castiel says. He reaches out and takes Dean's hand. He runs his fingers over it probing with his grace. There are two broken metacarpals. They're simple clean breaks. He thanks God out of habit that the fractures are not comminuted. He doesn't think he'd be able to adequately heal a more complex break.

Dean holds still as Cas figures out what's broken and heals him. It takes longer these days, "I didn't send him in there to die."

"I know." Castiel says. He knows there's no one to blame but himself. That the deaths of those around him are his fault. He should have been there. _...but sometimes it feels better to lash out._ Cas thinks as he focuses his grace and starts healing the bones in Dean's hand. _And look what happens when I do._ Cas runs his fingers across the back of Dean's hand, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah well....think I knocked a few teeth out so I guess we're even." Dean says as Cas finishes healing him up. He flexes his hand. It's stiff. _It's probably the best he can do these days._ Dean shoves his hand into his coat pocket before Cas catches on. Cas is staring at him. _But when isn't he?_ Dean's eyes flick down to Cas's jaw. He watches the red blotchy pattern pulse and slowly disappear as Cas heals himself. _That's taking a long time._ Dean worries, "...I didn't actually knock a tooth out did I?"

"My teeth are fine." Castial refrains from touching his jaw. His grace is slowly knitting the crack in the bone back together. He'd like to speed the process along and force it to heal but not in front of Dean. Every time he loses a little more of his grace it feels like he's failing Dean just that much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter happens a few hours after [Hospitals are dangerous](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3753481).


	6. What we always do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What?" Cas asks confused. _What did **Dean** do? We did what we always do; take it out on each other instead of someone innocent._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning: Sort of consent issues***  
> There's some implication from others that there was some non-con/rape going on. There wasn't. However it _was_ super problematic sex, but it was consensual super problematic sex.
> 
> Also, there's some talk about blood and sex.

There's an audible hiss of breath from those in the room when Cas walks in. He doesn't care. _You've all seen us come back black and blue before. Get over it._ He glares at the people around him. He turns on Gibson and starts questioning him about the surrounding area. _Dean may want that stupid fucking gun but someone has to make sure we eat_. Cas hates that it's him that has to take care of this. _The one person who shouldn't have to eat and I have to make sure nearly fifty people are fed._

Gibson cringes just looking at Cas and shrinks back as Cas interrogates him.

As it turns out there's a Target not far from here. According to Gibson it doesn't look as devastated as the surrounding areas. There might actually be food inside. _And Dean would have let him go without asking._ Cas's hands ball into fists as he thinks that. Sharp pain twinges through his hands and up his arms. He probably broke the skin of his palm.

Dean walks in as Cas demands every detail about the road from here to some town nearby from Gibson. Cas pauses his questioning to glare at him as he walks by. Dean glares right back. _Fuck you too Cas. You're the one that started that._ He yanks out a chair from the rotting table. Everyone in the room but Cas takes a step back. Dean turns that glare onto the faces around him. _Fuck everyone today._ He flops down into the chair. _I need a fucking drink after that._

Gibson looks like he's debating on bolting out of the room the whole time.

 _Yeah, Cas can be a scary fucker when he's riled up._ Dean almost laughs as Gibson turns a frightened eye towards him between Cas's questions and looks away quickly. _Guess we're both riled up after that._ Dean scratches at his head and hisses in pain. He forgot Cas got him good on the forehead.

Gibson does take off as soon as Cas lets him. Dean's not surprised. He taps his fingers along his gun then stands up. There's that weird flinch from everyone again. He shoots everyone a disapproving look for being so jumpy. _You'd think there were croats in the room._ He turns to Cas. Cas is still glaring at him. _Well what's new there?_ He nods his chin at the door, "What do you think? Head out now?"

"Whatever you want Dean." Cas says icily.

Dean's eyes harden at Cas's answer. **_You_** _throw a fucking fit over the Colt and then want to fight and fuck about it and **I'm** the one that gets the cold shoulder?_ Dean doesn't take his gaze away from Cas until he decides their next move. When he does he turns to everyone else. They flinch again. Dean can't be bothered to care, "We head out in two minutes."

Dean twitches in anger when Cas snorts derisively and rolls his eyes. Some of the anger from before threatens to boil back up but he turns away instead. _I'm not fucking doing that again. No matter how much you try to goad me into it._ He heads out with everyone else letting Cas do the final sweep of the motel room for anything useful or left behind.

Cas combs the room for anything carelessly left behind by their own people or fortunately left behind by someone else. He finds some soap and shampoo in the bathroom. He shoves the tiny bottle and small hand soap into his pocket. He takes a moment to look in the mirror. It's too dark in the bathroom to see much but he thinks there's angry red marks around his neck. He shifts uncomfortably because while there _might_ be marks on his neck there's _definitely_ blood dripping down his leg. _What did I do now?_ Cas thinks exasperated. _Human bodies are so uselessly fragile sometimes. Every day it's something new._ He jams a hand down his pants and wipes up the wetness. He brings it back out and holds it up. _Blood. Wonderful. I'm going to need to do laundry again._

Cas heads out agitated by the prospect of doing yet more laundry in the cold when Kate and Emily stop him. He looks between them expecting there to be a flat tire or shifted cargo. Something that requires angelic heavy lifting but instead they're looking at him strangely. _As if someone's been hurt._ He quickly looks over to Dean. Dean's fine. His eyes sweep across the rest of their scavenging party. Everyone seems fine.

"Cas?" Kate asks gently, "Do you maybe want to ride with us?"

"What?" Cas asks confused. Emily touches his arm softly. He flinches and pulls away. There's already a bruise forming there from the fight.

Emily looks down at his arm worried. She looks back up and winces, "Are you alright?"

Cas squints in confusion, "I'm fine."

"You just..." Emily says and it looks like it might physically hurt her to finish that sentence.

"What?" Cas asks. _Why are humans so fixated on being vague?_

"Cas what happened with Dean?" Emily finally says.

"We argued. We do that." Cas says understanding now what has them worried. He knows the others worry when he and Dean argue. That they must all fear what would effectively be a civil war in camp if they ever had a falling out, "It's nothing to worry about."

Kate looks angry at his answer. "Cas what _happened?"_

"Nothing _happened_." Cas says. _We're not about to spiral down into violence the way some groups have._ He waves his hand dismissively, "We're fine. It was only a disagreement of opinions. There's no need to worry."

"Cas, that isn't a disagreement of opinions." Kate points angrily at his neck, "You reek like sex and you're covered head to toe in bruises. What did he _do?"_

"What?" Cas asks confused. _What did **Dean** do? We did what we always do; take it out on each other instead of someone innocent._ Before he can answer Dean is yelling.

"Two minutes is up! Let's go!" Dean shouts from beside the truck. He turns to see Cas loitering with Kate and Emily in front of the motel _. For fuck's sake, Cas. Don't set up your one night stands while we're on the job._ He bangs on the hood of the truck, "Cas! Hurry up! Kate! Em! Get your car going!"

Cas looks at them confused for a moment more. _What did Dean do?_ Something about the way Kate asked it bothers him. His eyebrows furrow. He gives his head a little shake. Whether it bothers him or not now's not the time to waste on it. He waves his hand towards the car Kate, Emily, and Derek always take, "Hurry up. We're moving out."

They look like they want to protest but Cas gives them a harder look that has them moving towards their car. He watches them go for a moment still thinking over Kate's question before turning and heading to the truck. He opens the door and gets in the truck with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've said it somewhere before but I'll say it again Dean isn't some psychotic spouse abusing asshole in this fic. Cas and Dean have problems and they take it out on each other then don't really talk about it. The other inhabitants of Camp Chitaqua just see the end results: Dean being agitated and Cas being quiet and angel broody. It looks really bad from the outside, but it's not as bad as the other inhabitants of Camp Chitaqua think it is. However that said, it's definitely not the picture of a healthy relationship either.
> 
> This chapter happens immediately after the events of [Dan Gallagher](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3725351). However! ****Warning for some rather violent problematic sex through the link****


	7. No Smoke Without A Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When are you going to figure out that half the words that come out of your mouth don't make sense?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning for smut***
> 
> This chapter is related to [The makeover montage](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/5391500).
> 
> The title is a Bad Company song.

"We're low on food, we're low on gas, we're low on salt, we're low on guns, and we're low on bullets." Dean says not bothering to suppress the anger in his voice, "And you want to take off to look for the Colt?"

"You asked me to look for it." Castiel says. He's confused by Dean's sudden anger but he can feel his body starting to react to the threatening manner Dean is using. He puts a stop to it before it gets out of hand. _Human bodies are so tedious._ Castiel thinks while purging the slowly building catecholamines from his body. He's come to loath adrenalin and noradrenalin in particular. _The flight or fight response in humans is utterly ridiculous._

Dean lets out an enraged growl. _You are such a freakin' angel!_ Dean thinks disgusted, _Always wanting to just take off and leave us humans behind in the dirt._ He slams his hand down on the table sending pens clattering to the floor and ruffling maps into the air. "Just ** _go_**."

Castiel clenches his hands into fists. This entire argument has revolved around Dean telling him to stay. _Now you want me to go?_ Castiel thinks, beyond aggravated now, _Why can't you just **explain** what it is you're mad about?_ He lowers his heart rate back to normal and tries to proceed calmly, "What do you want from me Dean?"

"I don't want a **damn thing** from you! What makes you think we want you around here pulling all your angel crap anyway!?" Dean yells. He hates how Cas just flits off to who knows where and only ever comes back to make his daily reports these days. Always the cold angelic soldier or the poor angel who doesn't want to be human and never... _Never Cas anymore._ He watches Cas's face go cold. _What the fuck is your problem **today?** _ Dean thinks sarcastically while Cas squints at him as if he doesn't understand a damned thing, _He's just going to stand there and keep acting like he doesn't get it just so he can complain about being almost human some more._ Dean's had enough of Cas's pity parties. He's had to put up with being human his whole damn life and Cas can't take a couple of weeks of it? _It's not like you have to worry about eating or sleeping or guns._ Cas keeps staring at him. Dean resigns himself to some pain. He punches Cas in the face– and immediately regrets it. "Fuck!"

Castiel feels the blow in the strange new way he's been feeling things since becoming mortal. He is aware that it should have hurt, that pain is being registered in nerve endings and those signals are being sent to the brain but he chooses not to feel the physicality of it. Instead he is caught up in a different kind of pain, one that hurts far more. _I made the wrong choice_. Castiel thinks as the shock of what Dean has said begins to wear off _, I made the wrong choice. Dean never wanted me to stay here with him._ His hold on the physical responses of his body slips. The anger boils up. He swipes Dean's feet out from under him and turns to leave before Dean has even hit the floor.

Dean springs back up, _You are so going to get it, even if I break every bone in my hand_. He grabs Cas by the shoulder intent on spinning him around but Cas doesn't budge.

Castiel turns slowly and is greeted by a second strike to the face. _This is how you want it to end? You want to attack me until you're broken and tell me to leave?_ Castiel thinks as he grabs Dean's arm and starts pulling him towards the table, _Make me leave with the guilt of knowing you're hurt and you won't let me help you?_ He forces Dean down into a chair and glares down at him. There's so much he wants to say but he can't put it into words. It's better if he just leaves now. _Like Dean wants._

Cas starts walking away again. _Where the fuck do you think you're going? No more fucking angel crap. Always disappearing when it suits **you**._ Dean reaches out and grabs a handful of Cas's coat and yanks hard. The material rips. Anyone else would have been sent tumbling down but Cas just stops and stands there. Cas turns around slowly. Dean glares at him still clenching a fist full of trench coat _. Not getting away that easily you stupid angelic bastard._

Castiel's eyes dart down to where Dean has a hold on his trench coat. His eyes follow from his trench coat, to Dean's hand, along his arm, up his neck, and finally to Dean's face. "What do you want?"

Dean throws the fistful of trench coat down. He stands abruptly. He runs his hands through his hair a few times and on the last sweep through he presses his hands to his temples as if trying to squeeze out an answer. _That's a good fucking question._ Dean turns around to find Cas an inch away from his face. He glares because he knows the answer to Cas's question but he can't say it. _You, you stupid idiot._

"Tell me what you want." Castiel shoves him against the wall and crowds into his personal space. It's not an accident. _I can't keep guessing. You told me to leave. You told me you didn't want me here._ Castiel thinks holding Dean still until he answers, _But you won't let me leave. You tell me to leave and then won't let me._ Dean shifts under him but he doesn't let him go. "Tell me Dean."

They've always been pretty physical, so Dean always half expects something like this when they argue. He's punched Cas in the face more than a few times and Cas has beat the crap out of him a time or two. This is nothing new, but if it was anyone- _anything_ \- else shoving him against the wall like this Dean would be whipping out his knife and aerating them right about now. Cas has set off a hunter's lifetime worth of alarm bells. He's half tempted to do it anyway. _Hell, it's how we met_. Dean thinks amused, _Aren't we the picture of a healthy fucking friendship- relationship?- whatever the fuck this is._

Castiel presses his arm across Dean's chest a little harder when Dean isn't forthcoming with an answer. _Just tell me Dean. Tell me you wanted me to stay. Tell me I made the right choice._ Castiel thinks desperately, _Tell me you were the right choice._ Dean digs his fingers into his arms. He can sense the fractures in the bones of Dean's fingers. He heals them. Even if Dean wants him to go he'll do this one last thing,"Tell me, right now."

 _Tell you what? When are you going to figure out that half the words that come out of your mouth don't make sense?_ Dean thinks while he tries to pry Cas's arm away from him. The flesh of Cas's arm gives a little but it's like there's steal under Cas's skin rather than muscle and bone. He can feel Cas healing the broken bones in his hand. _It's like second nature to him._ They glare at each other. If they were dogs they'd be growling, hackles raised, tails arched.

Castiel takes a half-step forward, wedging his leg between Dean's, when Dean tries to move again. He growls at Dean, "Tell me what you want."

Dean glares at Cas not sure what he means. _What the fuck are you playing at?_ But he's starting to get that, _just maybe_ , they're not having the same argument. "What the fuck do you _think_ I want? I want to figure out how to get us out of this mess."

"Us?" Castiel eases his arm back slightly. _Us?_

"Christ you're an idiot sometimes." Dean throws his head back. It knocks into the wood of the cabin. _What the hell did you think I was pissed about before?_ Dean wonders, he tries to figure out how that argument would have sounded to an angel. _The Colt, him being a flighty bastard....what is his problem?_ He doesn't come up with an answer, "Who do you _think?_ You and me, and Bobby."

Castiel stands still processing the information. _Us._ Castiel thinks again, _I almost left..._

Dean can see the wheels turning in Cas's head. Obviously they've been having two completely different arguments and Cas is just figuring it out. He shifts trying to get comfortable against the wall. He might be here awhile while Cas thinks things through. That's when he notices it. _Jesus fucking christ. Great time to get a hard on Winchester._ Dean gives Cas a sideways look trying to see if Cas has noticed, _This is totally your fault Cas. You get in all close like this and you don't even know what you're doing. You're such an **angel**._ He tries to slide away from Cas but Cas presses his leg in harder, increasing the pressure against his groin in exactly the right way– which at the moment is exactly the wrong way too because Cas is having a bit of a freak out and, yet again, Dean doesn't know why _. If he just freakin' **told me** once in awhile we could avoid shit like this more often._

Castiel is still caught up in his revelation. _I made the correct choice._ Castiel thinks in relief, _I chose to stay and Dean wants me to stay._

Every little move Dean makes Cas counters and it just makes things worse as his dick rubs against Cas's leg. _He doesn't even know what he's doing._ Dean realizes, _Fuck, he's having one of his angel freak outs and you've got a fucking hard on._ He tries to shift back the other way but Cas leans in closer, if that's even possible, and forces him to keep still. Dean looks up at the ceiling trying to ignore his downstairs brain. _Okay, this is ridiculous. It's not like Cas is going to act weird if I just tell him. He's been touching my dick way more than this lately._ Dean reasons, _He'll just get his, you humans are humorous look, and back off._ The whole damn thing is still kind of embarrassing though- _even if Cas won't think it is_ \- so it takes Dean a couple of moments to work himself up to it. "Cas...?"

The way Dean says it sends a little thrill through him, **_Cas_**. Castiel stares at Dean, studying his face intently. _No one ever called me that until you._ He thinks fondly. _And even now, no one says it quit the same way as you do._ Dean squirms against him. He notes a now familiar protrusion rubbing against his leg.

"Uh..." Dean watches as something dangerous looking flashes behind Cas's eyes. _What is going on in there?_ Dean wonders as he tries to flatten himself out against the wall since he can't get away, _Jesus christ, what is with the smite you eyes?_ He might be a little worried now, that look is usually for demons. Cas presses against him. Now he's just outright confused, _Thought we were going with angel freak out today_. He stands a little straighter, "I...uh...Cas?"

Cas grinds his hips into Dean. "Do you want _this?"_

Dean is caught by surprise by that grind, it feels like Cas set off an electrical storm under his skin. Cas rolls his hips into Dean again. _Okay, so maybe he **does** know what he's doing._ Dean thinks as Cas grinds into him a third time, _Yeah, he definitely knows what he's doing._

"Say it Dean. Tell me what you want." Cas says as he grinds his hips against Dean. It's oddly liberating to be the one that initiates. Normally he simply waits for Dean to request intercourse. He rolls his hips up again. Dean breathes in sharply, so he does it again. "I need to hear it. _Tell_ me Dean, is this what you want? Tell me, _right **now**."_

Dean stares and says nothing. He's at a loss for words. _Tell you?_ Dean thinks and almost laughs aloud, _What do you think you're grinding into? That's not a gun in my pocket._ He isn't sure how this all happened. The whole damn day they've been arguing and now Cas has him pinned to the wall- he experimentally presses his hips against Cas to see if he's on the same page with him- they've _both_ got goddamned hard ons, and Cas is doing his own weird version of talking dirty to him. Cas growls out another _tell me._ Dean almost laughs, _Cas when did you turn into such a toppy bastard?_ Cas says it again and a stray snort of amusement escapes him. _He used the Angel of the Lord voice that time. I'm getting dirty talked to in the Angel of the Lord voice. Oh fuck._ Now he can't help himself.

When Dean starts to laugh Castiel backs away and lets him go. He had been sure that Dean would acquiesce to sexual intercourse but instead he's laughing. He studies Dean's behaviour for a moment. _Clearly, I've misread the situation._ Castiel prepares to fly away and think over what went wrong. Suddenly Dean stops laughing and stares at him. Castiel hesitates.

Dean reaches out and grabs that tie, _How have you never learned how to tie a fucking tie Cas?_ Dean thinks wrapping the tie around his hand, _Put that on the list of things I've got to show you how to do_. Dean pulls at the tie until Cas comes forward, until Cas is right back where he was, "You had better not be thinking about leaving this half done."

Castiel stares at him, confused as to whether he should continue or if– Dean thrusts his hips against his own. Cas snaps his fingers and they're naked. When he grinds into Dean this time it's much more satisfying. There's no fabric between them, there's just Dean. He works his tongue into Dean's mouth while Dean reaches between them, a hand encompassing both of them. Cas has become decidedly better at controlling his thrusts when Dean does that; his hips rarely snap forward of their own accord anymore.

Dean pulls back from Cas's kiss for air. _Totally not fair that you only breathe half as much as I do._ Dean thinks absently. He pumps his hand methodically around their cocks and leans back against the wall. "So Cas, what were you saying?"

Cas slowly starts to thrust into Dean's hand while he tries to think about what Dean might be referring to. _Obviously he is not speaking of our argument about the Colt._ Cas reasons as he starts thrusting in a little faster. _Staying? Leaving?_ He runs through their conversation of the last five minutes. He thinks he might know what Dean is referring to. He thinks he _finally_ might _actually_ get it for once. He hesitantly asks, "....do you...want this?"

Dean squeezes his hand a little tighter and pumps faster in encouragement.

"Tell me Dean." Cas says slowly. He watches Dean to see if he guessed correctly. A shiver goes through Dean and Dean's hips start moving faster. He's guessed correctly. " _Say it_ Dean. **Right now**. Tell me what you want."

"Fuck. _That_. _"_ Dean says, his cock twitching in agreement. _Fucking christ, Cas._ Dean thinks through the sex haze, _Confidence looks fucking hot on you dude._ "Just...keep doing that."

Cas reiterates every version of his demand he can think of; first in English, then in Enochian, and then a combination of the two. It's intriguing. He knows auditory stimulation can be just as effective as physical but it surprises him that Dean enjoys these particular words. Dean hates being given orders or demands.

Somewhere between Cas growling at him in Enochian and mixing it up with English Dean realizes there is no way he's going to out last him. _Friggin' angel– has the stamina of a horse._ Dean thinks a little annoyed but only a little because he can feel his balls starting to tighten, _One of these days— oh Fuck!_

There is a warm flood of liquid around his penis as Dean orgasms. Cas utters a few more demands, it makes Dean groan. He slows the pace of his thrusts down since Dean has told him more than once it can be too much stimulation directly after orgasm.

 _You win again._ Dean thinks, then amends, _No. I totally won. That fucking rocked...and now we're covered in jiz. Great. Whatever, Cas will deal with it_. Cas who is currently still hard and thrusting into his hand. Dean isn't sure he can keep his hand going. That orgasm hit pretty hard. He can feel his legs wanting to turn into jelly. _Yeah, we've got to change this up before I just collapse._ He drops his own dick and runs his come covered hand over Cas's before shoving Cas's dick down a bit and trapping it between his thighs. He pulls the rest of Cas in tight against him. It takes Cas a moment to clue in to what he's supposed to do but when he does he takes to like a fish to water. _Anyone who thought angels are pure virgin babies with wings are idiots._

Dean's body is surrounding his penis in such a way that Cas imagines must be very similar to the way it feels when Dean anally penetrates him. The sensations are immense. Cas wraps his arms around Dean, his hips snap forward impulsively a few times. He tries to regain control but...it feels better to simply thrust in wild abandon; so he does.

Dean is pinned between Cas and the wall and it's probably a good thing, otherwise there'd be a puddle of Dean on the floor instead of a boneless Dean getting banged into the wall. _Cas dude, you've been holding back._ Dean thinks while holding on for dear life, _What happened to the weird angel formality and the creepy mimic act?_ Not that he's complaining that Cas is going to town on him, it's just...a little unusual. _Especially after his whole I gotta take off again because I'm an **angel** argument._

Cas can feel his orgasm building, it's making him breathe hard, his heart feels like it may give out, and his legs are shaking. He lets out a few great huffs of air against Dean's neck before his body erupts in a flurry of pleasurable chemicals and nerve impulses. He leans against Dean in a post-coital laze. It takes him a few minutes before he blindly reaches down and removes the cooling semen from them with his grace.

The static cling feeling of Cas cleaning them up shocks Dean enough to wake him up a bit from his sex stupor. Cas's dick is still wedged between his legs so he gives it a couple of friendly thrusts. It makes Cas jump back with a hiss, which means there's nothing holding him up against the wall. He drops to the floor. _Good. I didn't want to stand anyway._ Dean thinks as his eyes sink shut, _Fighting gravity is overrated_.

Cas stares down at Dean. His eyes narrow. Something about this all feels different. He feels strangely undressed in front of Dean. Normally he's indifferent to the presence of clothes- all other creatures forgo them after all- but right now he feels exposed.... _naked_. He isn't sure why. He goes over to the pile of clothing and reaches out for his own. He holds the familiar articles of clothing in front of him. Irrationally he's angry with them. He stares at them for a few moments until the anger coalesces into illogical blame, _I nearly left because of **these**._

Dean can hear Cas messing around with something. He works one eye open and then the other. Cas is getting dressed. Cas doesn't get dressed. Cas zaps his clothes back on. But there's Cas getting dressed. Cas is pulling on a pair of jeans that look decidedly familiar and a shirt that looks like it could be the identical twin of his shirt and a jacket that's a clone of his jacket. Then Cas pulls on his own socks and dress shoes. _We're going to need to get you some better shoes._ Dean thinks as he watches Cas leave without a word. _And I'm adding post sex manners to the list._ Dean sighs and gets up. He looks around. He doesn't see the suit or tie anywhere. He doesn't see the trench coat. He bites his lip and frowns. _What just happened Cas?_ Dean thinks worried, _You don't care about clothes._ Then he realizes something. He looks down at himself; he's naked. He's standing naked in their ramshackle hunter's headquarters. He's naked and Cas just left with all his clothes. "Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few hours later [this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754073) goes down.


	8. But he'd understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel can feel Bobby staring at him, preparing to ask a question. He takes a step closer to Dean. Dean who simply accepts the changes that he's going through and doesn't ask question he can't or doesn't want to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is related to [Going undercover](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120/chapters/5608727).

Bobby looks Cas over when he pops in and arches an eyebrow. He turns to Dean.

Dean doesn't know why Cas suddenly decided he hated the trench coat and suit either. _We argued, we fucked, and then Cas got weird- weirder- and took off with my stuff leaving me buck-ass naked right where you're sitting._ Dean doesn't think Bobby wants to hear that explanation so he just shrugs.

Castiel can feel Bobby staring at him, preparing to ask a question. He takes a step closer to Dean. Dean who simply accepts the changes that he's going through and doesn't ask questions he can't or doesn't want to answer.

"Got an news?" Dean asks letting his eyes quickly rove over Cas before turning away to grab the map. He doesn't know why Cas ditched that suit and tie but he _might_ have discovered he likes looking at Cas in his clothes.

"Nothing new." Cas says. He does in fact have news but it's not new anymore. He's dying. Not any faster than any other mortal present. But he's dying all the same. It hadn't struck him until recently that much of his anger and confusion the past few weeks has been because his current condition is fatal. Death was not something he particularly feared as an angel. It could happen. He had in fact died once. But mostly it didn't happen. He had spent millennia _not_ dying. Now he is...decaying. Like a human. A steady march to death no matter how cunning he is in battle. _I am going to die._ Castiel thinks and it isn't any easier to think it this time than it was the first time. _Just as Bobby or Dean will eventually die._ That unfortunately is only half of his anger and confusion. The more worrisome thought is what would happen when he did die, or more correctly what would _not_ happen. He had no soul. He couldn't stop himself from dying now and no matter what he did when he died...that was it. _Oblivion_.

Dean keeps an eye on Cas as he rolls out a map and sets a knife and a bottle of whiskey down on it to keep it open. He's been catching weird looks on Cas since he went mortal but the last couple of days have been weird even for Cas. He waves a hand in front of Cas's face, "Hey, you still with us?"

Castiel turns to Dean. He doesn't think Dean has puzzled together what mortality means for him, _But he'd understand. Dean faced down death knowing he'd go to Hell. Knowing that you'll exist in an eternity of pain must be much harder than simply....stopping._ Cas steps closer to the table, "I'm with you."


	9. Man's best friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Click. click. click-click. click.
> 
> It doesn't sound like croats.

It doesn't sound like croats.

Click. click. click-click. click.

Castiel stands absolutely still, his heart beat and breathing the only movement. He feels Dean come to a stop behind him waiting for his cue. Cas's heart beats faster as a pleasant thrill goes through him. He may be arguing with Dean more often these past months but when they're out scouting or fighting they still move flawlessly as a team.

Click. click-click-click. click. click-click.

Castiel points to a toppled shelf, chewed on boxes of cereal scattered around it. He breathes deeply. It doesn't smell like croats either. _It smells...decidedly more animal._

Dean nods and retreats back down the aisle. Whatever it was following them was down the next aisle. Dean pokes his head around the corner and yanks it back. His eyebrows come together in concern. He didn't see croats. He side steps back to the other aisle and shakes his head at Cas, _Not there_.

Cas frowns to himself. _It **is** there. Whatever it is._ He listens intently.

Click. click.....click......click.

Castiel's face pales when he realizes that whatever it is, it's stalking Dean. He's a split second from flying to Dean but he's already too late.

"Jesus fucking christ!" Dean yelps as something lets out a snarl and bites at his leg. _Oh fuck. Oh fuck, one of them bit me!_ He kicks out and shoots his attacker and the whole thing is over before he realizes it isn't a croat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't catch on (which if you don't have a dog you might not, so sorry it was vague) the click-click are dog nails on a hard floor.


	10. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can feel the tension in the air build. They're reaching the precipice.

Castiel snaps his head around when he hears the gun shot. He flies back to what should have been an empty grocery store. He creeps along dusty aisles following voices. _There shouldn't be **voices**. There should only be Dean. Someone else is here._ Castiel worries that it's another group of survivors. They've run into a few who have conflicting opinions about how to split supplies. Cas's heart nearly stops when he finds Dean– backed against a stack of soup cans and surrounded by eight demons.

"We know you're there." One of the demons calls out not bothering to turn around.

Castiel takes his blade out and steps closer. His eyes flick over the demons that are slowly turning their backs on Dean. Castiel's eyes narrow. _Why are they not afraid of..._ his eyes flick over one demon then snap back. _It has the Knife! I can't kill eight demons on my own!_ Cas thinks in a panic, _Not in the state I'm in._ He holds his blade up, ready to fight, "Let him go."

"Let him go? I dunno." Says a demon. It turns to one of the others, "What do you think?"

"I think we could have a lot more fun with the infamous Dean Winchester than the angel there ever has." Another demon says.

"We could probably show him a thing or two about how it's done." A different one comments.

"What do ya say, Castiel? Want to join the apocalypse after party?" Says the first demon.

"I said let him go." Castiel repeats. He can feel the tension in the air build. They're reaching the precipice. Cas shifts on his feet as adrenaline sings through his body. The demons draw themselves up. Cas flicks his eyes over to look at Dean. He waits for that subtle shake of the head or shrug of the shoulder. That sign that might as well scream NOW!


	11. Save the best for last.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel isn't sure what Dean's definition of the best is but evidently it has to do with the number of raccoons occupying a cabin.

Castiel sets the shovel down as the crunch of wheels on Bobby's wheelchair stop nearby. He looks up to find Bobby sitting and waiting patiently for him.

"You been digging holes all night again?" Bobby asks him.

"Yes. Dean and yourself have made clear the need for the fence." Castiel says and brushes the dirt from his vessel's pants. Dean wants to finish the perimeter fence within the week. Two infected persons have already found their camp. "I prefer to be useful while Dean and yourself are sleeping. If there's another job that needs to be done I'm more than willing to help with that instead."

Bobby looks at him like he might argue but instead he shakes his and turns his wheelchair around. He waves at him to follow, "Come on."

Castiel follows him to one of the cabins they've yet to clean and repair. Castiel had suggested they begin repairs on this one soon since the roof appears to be ready to cave in and several medium sized mammals have begun to inhabit it but Dean had said they should save the best for last. Castiel isn't sure what Dean's definition of _the best_ is but evidently it has to do with the number of raccoons occupying a cabin.

Bobby motions to the decaying cabin, "It's dusty and full of junk and god knows what else but if you clean it out and fix it up it's yours."

It takes a moment for Castiel to realize what Bobby has said. He turns to look down at Bobby, "Mine?"

"Yeah. _Yours_ featherbrains." Bobby says rolling his eyes.

Castiel knows that Bobby's insults are often said with affection but sometimes there's a hint of sarcasm to them that makes Castiel wonder if he means them. Especially at the moment since Bobby is correct in his description of the cabin. He looks back to the cabin. _Yes, Bobby's description is more than accurate. Even if Dean thinks it's the best one._

"You hear me?" Bobby prompts and elbows his thigh.

"Yes." Castiel says still studying the cabin. _Why does Bobby think I need a cabin?_ He looks down to Bobby again, "...why?"

Bobby lets out a long suffering sigh, "So that you have a place to call home, why else?"

Castiel looks at the cabin and frowns. Heaven has always been his home. "I..."

Bobby interrupts him, "You might want to airlift in a bed. The mattresses around here come with company."

"I don't sleep." Castiel says. Bobby knows well that he doesn't sleep. He watches over Dean and Bobby while _they_ sleep. He's been digging holes and setting posts in concrete for the fence every night for last few days. He doesn't sleep. Dean and Bobby sleep.

"No, but ya pass out." Bobby says with a degree of gentleness that surprises Castiel. It doesn't last. Bobby makes a gruff noise and motions to the cabin, "We gotta have _some_ where to dump your butt while you recharge."

Castiel stares at the cabin. _Bobby's right. I've been hindering them lately with my....episodes of inconvenience._ He hears the crunch of Bobby leaving. Castiel looks between him and the cabin. "Thank you."

"You won't be thanking me when you see the inside." Bobby calls back over his shoulder, "Besides, it was Dean's idea. Blame him."

Castiel turns back to the cabin– the best cabin. _Dean..._


	12. Don't ask stupid questions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't need this anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place immediately after [Zep Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3332147).

Dean looks it over and smiles, "Zep two. Good choice."

_I don't make good choices._ Castiel immediately thinks. _And when I do, I fail._ He glances at Dean; the person he's failed the most and the symbol of his grandest failure, _If I had been ten years sooner none of this would have happened._ He reaches into a pocket and withdraws Dean's amulet. He holds it out to Dean, "I don't need this anymore."

Dean turns and stares. He stares for too long and nearly crashes into the car in front of them. He stomps on the brakes. The people behind him slam on their own brakes and honk. Dean waves a dismissive hand at the noise. The people in the car next to them glare. Dean rolls his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, I know. We're all assholes out for a joy ride."

"I believe you've upset the other drivers." Castiel comments as the chain of vehicles behind them brake and honk. He can hear the other drivers directing obscenities towards Dean and his car. One man in particular is praying for a very complex misfortune to befall Dean. Castiel holds the amulet a bit closer to Dean, "I don't think they like you very much."

"Yeah, well they'll like me if those infected people get out of the quarantine back there." Dean says. He reaches over and grabs the amulet off of Cas. He doesn't bother to ask Cas whether he thinks god is still out there because Cas is giving it back. That's answer enough.


	13. Say cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean thinks about insisting he'll go but Cas is sitting beside him and nothing horrible is happen for once and he just wants to relish this feeling for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place shortly after [Crossed Connections](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/4876317).

"You look happy. Got the brakes fixed?" Kim asks.

Bobby throws a broken chair into the junk pile, "Probably just grinning like an idiot because he knows we're stopping for lunch."

"Yep. And I fixed the brakes too." Dean says even though he'd like to just blurt it out, _Nope, don't give a fuck about the brakes today because I just realized I love Cas._ He ruffles Cas's hair at the thought and heads towards the picnic table. There's a plate full of sandwiches. He grabs one and plunks down on the top of the picnic table.

"Dean gave me a _beginner's lesson_ on the brakes as well." Castiel offers when Bobby gives Dean a stern look. He doesn't mention that they also engaged in intercourse in the back of the impala because Dean has stated more than once that he shouldn't tell people. Especially Bobby. _For an activity that so many humans participate in they're oddly private about it._ He hadn't before thought Dean preferred to keep his sexual activities private but he's observed that it's often considered rude to discuss such matters when the other partner is present. Cas isn't sure if that rule applies to prospective sexual partners as well but decides to err on the side of caution; he won't talk of Dean to Kim nor Kim to Dean.

"How'd that go?" Bobby asks surprised.

"I may need to repeat the lesson." Castiel replies. Dean laughs and pats the top of the picnic table beside him. Cas stares for a moment before he understands. He goes over and sits down. It's far closer to Dean than what Dean is usually comfortable with, _That's unusual. It's well within his highly guarded personal space._

"You did good." Dean says and messes up Cas's hair again. Cas was horrible at it actually but at the moment everything about Cas is great. _God, get a hold of yourself Winchester_.

"Glad to know you're a good student Cas. We'll teach you how to scrub out mouse pee this afternoon." Kim says as she comes over to grab a sandwich.

Bobby rolls his wheel chair up behind the picnic table. He gives Dean a soft slap on the arm, "You're young and got legs." He takes a camera out of his pocket and passes it over to Dean, "Make use of 'em and head up to the second floor and take some pictures for me instead of lazing around."

"I'll go." Kim offers. "I left my jacket up there anyway."

Dean thinks about insisting he'll go but Cas is sitting beside him and nothing horrible is happen for once and he just wants to relish this feeling for a moment. He hands the camera over.

"Lazy ass." Bobby chides but turns to Kim to tell her what he needs pictures of, access points and damage.

Castiel watches Kim go inside wondering how to best approach someone to see if they'd be amicable to a mutually satisfying sexual encounter to help relieve tension. He's watched Dean _pick-up_ to _blow off steam_ many times over but Dean's method often involves strangers, large quantities of alcohol before hand, and cheap motel rooms. _Or the backseat of the impala._ Cas doesn't have any of those things and Kim isn't a stranger. _This would be easier if Dean would talk about intercourse._

Dean finishes off his sandwich and leans back. It's sunny out today. It's sunny and Cas is sitting next to him. He glances over and smiles at Cas. Cas stares back. He looks away when he feels his face start to heat up. _I am so stupid in love right now. It's kinda disgusting._ He'll tell Cas later when everyone else turns in for the night.

Castiel studies the side of Dean's head carefully. A moment before Dean looked away he looked on the verge of telling him something again. Dean has been acting oddly since he finished the lecture about the brakes. He's about to ask Dean what he did- _surely I've done something to upset him again_ \- when Bobby broaches the subject of wards against demons.

Kim comes out of the mess hall a short time later. She stops a few yards in front of the picnic table, "Hey guys, say cheese."

Castiel turns away slowly from his conversation with Bobby to look at Kim, "Cheese?"

Dean bursts out laughing. He's never heard anyone say the word cheese with so much solemn gravity, **_Cheese_**. And, okay, it's not _that_ funny but he's kinda high on Cas at the moment.

Kim chuckles as she takes the picture.

"I don't understand." Castiel says as he watches Dean laugh. Just a few moments before he had thought Dean was very likely upset with him again but now he's laughing.

"It's suppose to make you smile." Kim explains.

"Cheese makes people smile?" Castiel asks perplexed. _That doesn't make sense at all._ Castiel's eyebrows come together in contemplation, "Slightly more than half of all humans are unable to properly digest diary products. Why would cheese make people smile?"

Dean laughs harder. _Oh fuck. I'm in love with the dorkiest of dorky angels._


	14. Working Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _....I can't remember._ The thought is borderline horrifying. In all his existence he's never simply _forgotten._

Dean taps the west corner of the map, "Can we get through over here?"

Castiel starts to answer. He spent yesterday scouting the area. He knows what's there. He _should_ know what's there but his mind is strangely blank. _Did I search that section of the city? I must have._ Castiel thinks as he recalls yesterday when he came back, _I told Dean I had covered the entire area. I searched there._

"Cas?" Dean nudges Cas with his shoulder to break him out of whatever loop of thought he's stuck in. Cas has been having a lot more of these angel moments since he swapped clothes.

Castiel's eyes flick over the map. He _knows_ he was there. _....I can't remember._ The thought is borderline horrifying. In all his existence he's never simply _forgotten_. Cas points to a location closer to the edge of the town. That area, at least, he remembers. "This area would be easy to move through. The park is open and flat. We could drive through it and avoid the streets that lead into the city."

Dean watches Cas's finger move across the map as he talks. His eyes flick back up to the west corner. There's a warehouse up there that ships out non-perishables to grocery stores. He knows because he worked a haunting case at the abandoned factory beside it a few years back. _But if Cas thinks the other way would be better...._ He marks down the grocery stores that Cas is talking about. "Alright, if that's where we're coming in we'll hit up the grocery stores. Any infected people hanging around?"

Castiel thinks it over. _Were there any infected people there?_ He runs yesterday's events through his head. Cas is fairly certain there were no infected people. His eyes flick up to the west corner of the map. "No. At least not while I was there. They do move about."

"Yeah." Dean sighs. That's usually the problem with stuff that wants to kill him. It moves around too much. "Make my life easier if they'd just stay put."


	15. Immortal Airplane!

Dean shuffles the movies through his hand while Cas sets up the projector. It's a waste of oil in the generator but it keeps people sane and they need to keep people sane while everything else goes to shit. He recoils from the red cover of a DVD. 28 Days Later. "Dude, did you even read the back of this one?"

"No. I just took everything." Castiel says as he sets the angle of the projector just right. "What's wrong with it?"

"Hits too close to home." Dean says setting the movie aside. He remembers thinking it was a goofy movie. That they got zombies so wrong it was funny. _But they got Croatoan pretty freakin' right._ He digs through the box of movies for something else.

Castiel studies the square of light at the other end of the room. One side of the square is warped. _We should find another projector._ Cas thinks, _It's not as if we have to buy them._ He turns around to plug in the laptop and is accosted by two people new to Camp Chitaqua: the sister of the other man Kim is sleeping with and her friend. Bethany and James. Castiel looks between the two of them, "Yes?"

Bethany nudges James. He holds out a movie. "Can we watch this tonight?"

Castiel takes the movie and reads the back over. _Immortal_. It appears to be about Egyptian gods....or possibly crime?

Dean looks up from the box of movies and clenches his jaw. He's seen these two hanging around Cas before. He watches them talk to Cas about some movie they've got while they try to be all subtle about flirting. _Good fucking luck. Cas doesn't get subtle._ Dean shoves himself into the conversation, coming up to stand close and next to Cas. He takes the other movie off Cas and swaps it out for the movie he picked. "I'm thinking this one tonight. What do you think?"

Cas looks up at Dean. There's a strange tension in his voice. He looks at the movie Dean has given him. _Airplane!_ The two new residents shift uncomfortably in front of him. He glances up at them then back to Dean. That tension in Dean's voice seems to be surrounding them. Castiel looks over the other survivors in the room, "Perhaps we should put it to a vote?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Movies  
> 28 Days Later (2002)  
> Immortal (2004): A little strange it's about genetically modified humans and Egyptian gods.  
> Airplane! (1980)


	16. Another moral cliff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He made a series of bad decisions and he's trying to blame it on Dean? Every time he thinks he's sunk as morally low as possible without being a demon he finds himself at the edge of a cliff and he gladly jumps each time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to rename this because, whoops, I realized I had used the same name twice for unrelated chapters.

Castiel flies to the top of the water tower in the town nearby camp. It's not the tallest structure nearby but it is the tallest structure not easily accessible to croats. _What happened in the car was entirely unacceptable. I put Dean in danger. I hurt him._ Castiel thinks as he pulls his clothes on. He sits down and stares out over the landscape. It reminds him of millennia of being a silent of observer of humanity from above.

 _I hurt him but he hurt me too._ Cas thinks. He scratches idly at his jeans and thinks aloud, "I told you I shouldn't go out. That I couldn't be trusted on missions anymore. And _you_ made me do it anyway."

Castiel sighs. That's a human gesture he's made use of quite a bit since having to breathe. He sighs again for good measure. He made a series of bad decisions and he's trying to blame it on Dean? Every time he thinks he's sunk as morally low as possible without being a demon he finds himself at the edge of a cliff and he gladly jumps each time.

 _None of what happened today was Dean's fault. Dean wasn't driving the car and Dean didn't almost break his own wrists_. Castiel thinks. His hands clench into fists, _It was all my fault._

Castiel sits and watches the town below and tries to stop the next thought from forming. He can feel it at the back of his head trying to coalesce. He does his best but fails. It's a familiar pattern. He sinks a little bit lower. Cas knows today wasn't Dean's fault but....

_He shouldn't have left me alone after._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place directly after [Seatbelt](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3392375).


	17. It's hard to be a friend, easy to be unkind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Foghat's Hate to see you go.

Castiel is surprised to find Dean packing the car so soon after— _how long will it hurt to think about it?_ He glances around to make sure no one is watching. It startles people when he flies in camp. He flies to Dean. "Where are you going?"

"For fuck's sake, what did I say about flying around camp?" Dean snaps when Cas appears a foot away from him. He shoves his bag into the trunk and slams it closed.

"Don't do it." Castiel says.

Dean spread his hands, _Well then what the fuck was that?_

Castiel looks away. Dean pushes past him and gets in the car. He flies into the passenger seat. He doesn't want to be alone. With Bobby— he doesn't want to be alone with the others. "Where are you going?"

"Out." Dean growls. He doesn't say back to Bobby's to give him a hunter's send off before something eats him because then Cas will want to come. He needs to be alone for this. "Got a line on the Colt."

Cas doesn't move. _The **Colt**? You're leaving to look for the Colt? After what happened?_ He doesn't want Dean to leave but if Dean is leaving he'll go with him. "I'll come with you."

" ** _No_**." Dean snarls. He can't have Cas following him around right now asking him all sorts of dumb how to be human questions. He just wants to mourn the only man that was ever a real father to him in peace and quiet.

Castiel recoils from Dean's tone. He doesn't know what he did wrong but clearly he's done something. It isn't often that he misses social cues this badly these days. He apologizes for whatever it is he's done. "I'm sorry."

"You're _sorry?"_ Dean spits. He clenches his jaw and looks away. _Just go Cas before I start saying stuff I'll feel guilty about later. I can't deal with you right now._ He can feel Cas staring at him, "I said, **_no._** _"_

Cas feels his chest tighten up and his eyes begin to sting. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like it all. "I—"

"Keep things running smoothly while I'm gone." Dean says trying to sound like he isn't ready to start breaking things. _Bobby, you weren't supposed to die like that. I should have been able to stop it._ Dean waits for Cas to disappear from the car but he doesn't. "Go on. Get. I've got a gun to look for."

Cas feels like he's sinking into the seat and melting away in this horrible feeling in his chest, "Dean..."

"I gotta go Cas." Dean says and he absurdly hopes Cas understands. He can't be here right now. _Can't be in this place where I know it's all gonna end._ But he knows Cas won't understand because he's never told him that he knows how this all plays out. He stares ahead through the windshield. He can't look at Cas right now, "And you can't come with me."

That hole that's been widening in Cas's chest all summer threatens to tear open and devour him. _I don't want to be alone right now._ Castiel touches his cheek when he feels something roll across it. His fingers come away wet. He waits for Dean to say something but he doesn't. Cas flies back to his cabin. _Bethany will stay with me._ Cas thinks but it isn't Bethany he wants to stay with him.

Dean doesn't move until he hears the sound of wings rushing out of the car. _I don't want you to come with me but you will any way. Right to the end._ He starts the car. It's a nine hour drive back to Sioux Falls. 


	18. The Human Condition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What on earth is **that**?_

Castiel lays on the floor perfectly still and breathes. There's an odd sensation all across his vessel's– There's an odd sensation all across his body that he can't describe. _Perhaps it's just what being mortal feels like._ He thought at first that it may just be what it feels like to have blood pumping through veins and lungs that inflate but it's a different feeling from those.

Time passes and as the initial shock wears off he starts to assess more than just basic bodily functions. He starts to try and understand with more than just his grace. He tries to understand the way humans understand.

Very carefully he closes one eye. He stares at the wood grain of the ceiling of his cabin. He stops his grace from visually perceiving the world around him. The ceiling is two dimensional. He opens the other eye. The ceiling appears three dimensional.

His vessel's– his eyes are seeing two dimensional images, feeding it into a flesh and blood brain that's constructing a three dimensional image. It's completely and utterly foreign. He knew before in a theoretical way that humans take two two dimensional images and splice them together but it's disorienting to experience. _No wonder why they're always looking behind themselves. They can't see anything._ He shifts his attention back to his grace and the world becomes clearer and sharper. The world makes sense.

He sits up. That strange sensation he can't place causes an unsettling feeling in his ves– in his stomach. His graces feeds him a steady stream of information and his body sends a sporadic flux of impulses to his brain telling him a much simpler version of what's happening. He's sitting up. Fabric is shifting over skin. He can smell the mildew in the cabin and hear his heart beat as he breathes. But his grace doesn't seem to have an analogue to the strange sensation that his body continues to be aware of.

He stands. Even with his grace smoothing the physical input of sensory information it's dizzying watching the images slide up and jump around as he moves. There's no fluidity to it. He tries to shut out the information being fed to the brain. He closes his eyes and is shocked to find out that his grace's ability to process visually is tied to his eyes. He blinks and the world goes dark and empty for a second like it doesn't exist. It's unnerving. His brain doesn't even register that it happened.

He takes a step forward and lets out a startled noise at the shock of his vessel's– At the shock of _his_ foot meeting solid ground and the way that strange feeling travels through his leg. He realizes what it is. _I have mass and weight._ As a purely celestial wavelength he had neither. He was always aware that his vessel had both but he never _experienced_ it. Similar to a beating heart or respiration. He was aware that his vessel's body was capable of both but he kept the body in a state of perfect homeostasis and never needed to do either before.

He's never experienced any of these human things first hand. There was always that barrier between himself and the physical things around him.

On impulse he pulls his grace back from all sensory perception and lets himself experience the world as close as he can to what a human would perceive. It's debilitating. He immediately unleashes his grace to take in the world properly. He calms himself before trying again. This time letting go of one sense at a time.

Vision he finds the most disorienting. It's so often vital to functioning as a human but when he doesn't have the aid of his grace to perceive visually things appear....strange is the only word to describe it. The wood grain had been simplistic and the patterns reminiscent of how he would perceive it with his grace but more complex things- human things- appear inexplicable and alien. _That can't really be what a bed looks like to a human._ But he flicks between human perception and his grace and that is indeed what a bed must look like to a human, or close to it.

He takes a step forward. His vision seems to jerk and shake much worse than what he experienced while his grace was smoothing out the sensory information. He realizes the jerking and shaking is from the rise and fall of his body as he walks. _Chickens have a better vestibular sensory system than this. How strange._

_~Cas! You ever gonna show up again or what? I've been waiting for you at the HQ all freakin' day.~_

The prayer from Dean is, thankfully, unchanged by his new mortality but he supposes that's reasonable considering there's no analogous organ in a human body that serves this same function.

He flies to the cabin Dean and Bobby call headquarters or the HQ. It's a strange new experience to actually feel his body moving through space. It isn't until he's standing in the HQ that he realizes he hasn't allowed his grace to visually perceive again.

Something moves startling him. He has one brief second where he thinks, _What on earth is **that**?_ before he scrambles to see the world normally again. His head cocks to the side. His eyes flick back and forth. _Dean_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my not very good way at explaining how being cut off from all these other dimensions must feel like. Take a box of corn flakes and a box of bran flakes and look at the two different kinds of flakes. It should be obvious which are corn flakes and which are bran flakes right? Now blind fold yourself and shake each box. Don't touch the flakes, just shake the boxes and listen to them. How do you know which are which? How do you tell someone didn't come in and swap the boxes out for something else? Maybe they aren't even breakfast cereals at all. Maybe you're shaking a box of wood chips and a box of washers. How do you know? I'm sure over time you could learn to hear the difference but at first you're just going to be like, How the hell do I do this?


	19. It hurts me too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Love doesn't save people it gets them dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from Foghat's It hurts me too.  
> Which was the title of a different chapter not long ago but then I realized I had double named so the other chapter got title swapped.

Dean stands outside of their cabin for the better part of an hour trying to pluck up the courage to not be a selfish prick this time _. I'm not gonna let you look at me like that and then walk into that trap to die._ He isn't. He won't let it happen this time. If that means making sure Cas hates him then that's what he'll do. _Because I fucking love you and I'm not gonna let you die like that._ He isn't going to give Cas one goddamned reason to follow him to Jackson County a year from now to die for him.

_I'm not gonna let you get killed because of me._ No matter how many times he thinks that or says it out loud Dean isn't sure he's going to be able to do this. He looks up at the cabin door. _Bonnie and Clyde aren't in love. They're dead. Thelma and Louise? Dead too. Romeo and Juilet? Franz Ferdinand and Sophie Chotek? Johnny Cash and June Carter? Dead, Dead, Dead. Mom and Dad? Dead. Love doesn't save people it gets them dead._ He nervously licks his lips, _You want Cas dead?_

He pats his pocket checking for the Rx bottle of Prozac because he knows this is going to hurt Cas as much as it's going to hurt him and he's not going to be able to be there to put Cas back together. It's the only thing he could think of to help Cas if he can't be there for him. He'll make sure Chuck or someone checks up on him too. He hopes some pills and a couple of friends are going to be enough. He doubts it but the other option is to let Cas love him and die for it.

He takes a step forward. It's a false start. He stops and breathes. He wishes that the end of the world had worked out differently, "Fucking apocalypse."

Dean forces himself up the steps and pushes the door open.

"Dean." Cas freezes when Dean walks in the door four hours later. _What do I say? How do I take it back?_ He takes a step forward. Dean tenses. Cas stops and frowns. "I....I didn't..."

Cas clenches his hands into fists. He can't bring himself to say he didn't mean it. _I did. I do. I can't take it back!_ Dean doesn't say anything he just stares at him. Cas stares back. Something in Dean's eyes makes his chest start to tighten. His breathing comes faster. _No. No! I take it back! I don't! I didn't mean it!_ Dean shifts. Cas feels like his grace is shattering all over again. He keeps his eyes on Dean. He can feel them threaten to burn with tears. "Please."

_Oh god. I can't do this._ Dean thinks as Cas lets out that one heartrending word. He clenches his jaw, _Fuck! Don't be a selfish asshole Winchester! You're going to get him **killed** if you don't do this! And then what? Then fucking **what**!?_ Cas takes another step closer. Dean wills himself not to move, not to close the distance. He breathes in and out slowly a few times. He's knows what he's going to have to say to make Cas believe this and every goddamned word is going to hurt.

"Don't." Cas says.

Dean closes his eyes for a moment to steel himself. _This is going to hurt so much_. He takes a deep breath. He flicks his eyes open and in the eye of his mind they're black because that's what he feels like; a demon. He draws himself up, "Don't _what?_ Keep trying to put you back together again? Fine. Great. Because I'm fucking sick of it. Every fucking day since you couldn't fly it's something new. I can't leave you alone for ten fucking minutes without you having some kind of fucking breakdown. That's...that's it. I quit. I've had it."

Cas recoils like he's been slapped. He knew Dean was going to be angry with him but.... _Not like this_. He edges closer to Dean. _Dean can't mean it. He's just upset. He says things he doesn't mean when he's upset._ He reaches out to him.

Dean's eyes go wide. That was supposed to be enough. _Oh Cas, don't. Don't make me say more. Look how far I've already dragged you down._ _Just hate me._ He jerks away from Cas's hand and scrambles for something else to say, "I mean it. I've had it Cas. This is it. You're too clingy for this shit to work anymore."

Cas stops in shock. _This is it?_ ... _No._ It takes him a moment to recover. "No. We're in this together."

"No. We're not." Dean insists despite the swell of warmth in his chest that's screaming out joy, _You see that? He knows you're full of shit! Fucking love you, you stupid angelic bastard!_ but there's a cold pit in his stomach that's whispering the truth, _You're going to get him killed_. Dean keeps his face carefully blank, "Not anymore. Not like this."

"Dean...." Cas shakes his head. _We'll get through this. We get through everything. Dean can't mean it._ Cas plants his feet and studies him. _Dean **doesn't** mean it_. He looks Dean in the eye, "We both know you don't mean that."

Dean bites his lip before it can quiver. _Why couldn't you just believe it?_ Dean sucks in a breath and starts spitting out poison, "Newsflash Cas. You don't fucking know everything because I _do_ mean it. You're fucking broken, a **broken** walking _weapon_ , and who the hell wants to stay with...with a broken angel anyway? All you do is....drag me down and....and do you think I really want to spend every night listening to you complain that you're going human? Fuck no. I've had it. I'm leaving while the going's good."

Dean works the Rx bottle out of his pocket and tosses it to Cas, "We can't afford to lose another man before the next run. So take some pills and get your shit worked out on your own because I'm not fucking dealing with it anymore."

Cas catches the bottle but doesn't look at it. His mind is blank until the shock washes through him. _Dean's really going to do it._ He stares at Dean. Dean doesn't stare back. It doesn't seem real.

Dean swallows hard. Those ten feet he crossed just over a year ago are a whole universe between them again. _There isn't going to be a thunderclap this time._ Dean thinks and it hurts a little bit more. Cas is just standing there motionless. Dean can't look him in the eye. If he does he'll take it all back. He'll tell Cas it was bullshit and then Cas will follow him out to Jackson County next summer and **_die_**. He starts towards the door before he loses it, "I'll get my stuff while you're going over inventory with Chuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preceded by [When things go wrong](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3315995) and is followed by [I couldn't make (him) stay](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3370040).


	20. Room 471

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem isn't that he doesn't have a plan it's that Cas is going to hate him for it.

Castiel flies back alone a third time. _I can't do it._ He realizes. He can hear the wordless growls and screams of croats in the hospital. _I can't bring him back with me._ He looks around for Dean. He finds him running around the corner already demanding to know what's going on. _Croats is what's going on._ Cas thinks, _I told you! I told you it was dangerous! Every time we've gotten near a hospital there have been croats!_

"Dude, what are you doing?" Dean says when Cas steps into his way. He dodges around him and makes for the truck. "Let's go before they think about coming out!"

Cas catches his arm and pulls him back, "James is still inside."

"Go get him then!" Dean shouts. Dean tries to twist out of Cas's grip. "Cas, quit screwing around! We gotta _go!"_

"I can't fly James back." Castiel says.

That makes Dean stop. His eyebrows shoot up, "What? What do you mean you can't fly him back?"

"What do you _think_ I mean!? I tried! _Three times!_ I can't do it!" Cas shouts. _I keep failing them. What do I do? How do stop this?_ Cas looks up at the fifth floor of the hospital. He can't hear gunfire anymore but that doesn't mean...

The others stop and stare. Dean yells at them all to keep moving. His brain is running a mile a minute. His eyes flick over the people around him. The others that went into the hospital are all racing around frantically tying things down and getting ready to flee in terror. If they're out that means the croats are between James and the exit. "Where is he?"

"Fifth floor. The north wing. Room four seven one. There are approximately thirty four infected people on the floor as well." Castiel says. It's so close. He can be there in mere seconds as an angel but for humans thirty four croats means it might as well be miles away.

Dean's heart gives a loud thump and stops for what he swears is a minute. He takes in a sharp breath. Cas is looking at him like he'll come up with a fucking magical plan. _Oh fuck._ Dean thinks as his eyes flick up to the broken windows of the fifth floor _. Fuck! You know what the plan is Cas!_ The problem isn't that he doesn't have a plan it's that Cas is going to hate him for it. Dean looks over the others still scrambling to get the trucks moving. He looks up at the hospital again. He looks to Cas.

Castiel knows.

"Cas. We can't send‒" Dean doesn't want to finish the sentence. He knows how Cas took it when Kim and Autumn died. He doesn't want to put Cas through that again. He wipes his hand over his mouth. _Oh fucking hell. I can't believe I'm going to die for that punk ass kid who likes Alexisonfire._ He turns and jogs over to some of the grunts. He takes a couple guns off them. He tosses Cas an extra gun. "Fly him up a gun and tell him we're coming for him."

Castiel knows this is not the right thing to do- they shouldn't be putting others at risk in a near hopeless situation- but relief pours through him anyway. _Thank you, Dean!_ Cas thinks, _I can't keep letting them die because my grace is failing._ He catches the gun and flies to room 471, fifth floor, north wing and is nearly killed. He has a brief second to see- the hospital room is full of croats and blood- before he flies back narrowly avoiding teeth and clawed fingers. He wants to forget what he saw. He lands in front of Dean and stumbles. He shakes his head. He passes Dean the gun back. A shiver runs through him. There had been… _pieces._

Dean takes the gun and shoulders it. _At least they'll be distracted for a few minutes._ Dean thinks. The thought is so perfectly cold that it scares him but he doesn't have time to be scared. He grabs Cas's arm and tugs him forward towards the trucks. "Come on Cas. We gotta go."

Castiel nods his head. He steps away from Dean and prepares to fly away, "I'll monitor the situation. There may be more in the area."

Dean grabs at the empty space Cas left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proceeded by [Hospitals are dangerous](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3753481) and followed by [Metacarpals](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5304749).


	21. Aspis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's blood everywhere; dissipating into the flow of water on the deserted street, washing away the bloody evidence of what's happening.

It was the rain that did it. If it hadn't been pouring rain he would have heard the croat approaching. In some distant part of Cas's mind that isn't wrapped up in trying to stay alive just a little bit longer he wonders why he's still fighting.

He's scratched and bitten. There's blood everywhere; dissipating into the flow of water on the deserted street, washing away the bloody evidence of what's happening. He can't heal himself of the wounds. He can't save himself once this is over. He's infected. He's going to die.

_No, I'm going to turn into a rabid animal and **then** die._ And yet he's still desperately trying to keep gnashing teeth away from his face and clawing fingers away from his throat.

The familiar sound of bullets ring in his ears over the down pour and then the croat slumps on his body. _Whoever it was should have shot me too_. Cas thinks as he lays there under the croat, _Now **I** have to do it._

Dean kicks the body off Cas. His already pale face loses even more colour. The rain is washing away the blood that's welling up from Cas's wounds but it's still obvious: Cas is a dead man, "Cas..."

"I'll do it." Cas says. He sits up and puts his hand out for the gun. He's reminded of Dean trying to take his gun not so long ago– it feels like years ago. "I can do it. You shouldn't have to do it."

"I shouldn't have to do a lot of things." Dean looks at the gun then holsters it. There's a bright flash overhead and a crack of thunder. The rain comes down heavier. He crouches down and starts helping Cas up. He has to yell over the rain, "Come on! We can't stay here! Even with the rain croats will be everywhere soon!"

"Dean...this isn't...." Cas looks his arms over, there are bloody teeth marks everywhere. He could count the number of teeth that croat had if he wanted to- twenty nine- there's just no denying it, he's infected. "This isn't like it was with you!"

Dean feels cold as he looks at Cas. It has nothing to do with the down pour. _Cas is right. This isn't a case where you could get lucky._ It's not like when Clayton flipped and came for him. Dean hadn't been scratched or bitten. Cas's arms on the other hand are covered in bites. If it wasn't for the rain washing it all away Cas would be covered in blood. Dean feels cold but he also feels relieved, _Finally. It's over._ Dean thinks as he starts down the street, _I know I promised to not do this but you know I'm shit at keeping promises._ "Come on Cas! We gotta get moving!"

Cas lets the protests die on his lips. He follows Dean. He knows what Dean is doing because he did it when the tables were turned. _Except this time there's no slim chances, no maybes._ They walk down the street a short way before Cas stops under the awning of a small hole-in-the-wall clothing store. He grabs Dean's arm to stop him, then nods to the door. He pulls the door open, "Dean. In here."

Dean turns around and sees Cas slip inside a store. He follows him. Cas is standing there in the middle of the entrance like a statue, his back to Dean. Dean takes his gun out. Maybe he can do it. _I can't see him turn._ Dean thinks, the gun is shaking in his hand, _Him– and then me_. Cas's body tenses. Cas doesn't turn around. It's obvious Cas knows what Dean is about to do. Dean can't breathe. Dean can't think. Dean cocks his gun.

_Will I know? Will I be aware of being nothing?_ Cas waits. He doesn't turn around. _Is oblivion just endless darkness? Or will I just....stop?_ He can't imagine just stopping, blinking out like a light. Can't imagine being then—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously Cas doesn't die here because we've got the whole other fic going on. But I was thinking about Croatoan which is a demonic virus, there is literally sulphur in the blood, and I think Cas still being an angel more or less would be immune. Being most of an angel has to have its perks right? I dunno, there's just enough fics that have Cas saving Dean from croatoan with the last of his grace that I thought, well, why wouldn't an angel be immune? And Cas says he's "practically human" in The End which leads me to believe that he's not human despite having to deal with things like a broken foot. So, fading grace trumps demonic virus.


	22. Only Occasional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're not going to starve us out if you start eating _three_ times a week."

"Cas. You need to eat. It's okay." Dean says. He sets the plate of macaroni and cheese made with powdered milk down in front of Cas. It took him awhile to recognize it but he's caught onto Cas now. He knows now when Cas is being too damn stubborn about helping everyone to keep himself fed. _I got you Cas. You watch out for me. I'll watch out for you._ He offers Cas the fork. "Dude, it's fine. Eat something."

"I don't need to eat." Castiel insists. His grace has always sustained him. _Perhaps it requires occasional help these days but only **occasional**._ His grace hasn't failed him so completely yet, "I ate twice this week."

"You're not going to starve us out if you start eating _three_ times a week." Dean says laughing gently. He knows Cas gets freaked out and angel quiet over things when he thinks he's being a burden to them. If he pushes too hard too fast Cas will just take off to go work himself into a coma– _because it's **not** sleeping according to the stubborn bastard._ That only makes Dean worry more.

"I don't need to eat." Castiel says again. He really doesn't. He just needs to rest for a few minutes and he'll be fine. His grace just needs a moment of peace.

"Cas. _Yes_. **_You do_**." Dean shoves the plate at him. Being gentle hasn't worked so he'll try firm. "So just fucking eat already."

"It's a waste." Castiel protests. The food at the camp has been rationed for the others. Not him. It's Dean that needs to eat. He pushes the plate towards Dean. " _You_ should eat. I know you don't always eat breakfast or lunch."

Dean presses his lips together. _Fine, if firm doesn't work how about some threats?_ He pushes the plate back towards Cas and thrusts the fork at him, "If you don't eat it I'm going to go throw it out in the woods."

Cas glares _\- you wouldn't really waste food like that-_ but he takes the fork and starts eating.


	23. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is fairly certain that Dean didn't mean he should _literally_ become invisible but he can sense demons somewhere nearby and infected people could potentially be anywhere.

Castiel is fairly certain that Dean didn't mean he should _literally_ become invisible but he can sense demons somewhere nearby and infected people could potentially be anywhere. It's not safe to leave Dean alone and vulnerable. _Dean **has** requested I watch over him when he's vulnerable and danger is nearby. _Castiel reasons but he suspects Dean would fall prey to human inhibitions about someone watching over him while he's engaging in sexual intercourse. _Despite how vulnerable he is during the activity._

Dean has been reckless ever since they encountered that demon last week. He doesn't trust that Dean will pray for him in time if something happens. He compromises between Dean's probable wants and Dean's safety and settles for waiting nearby invisible to the human eye and not paying attention to what Dean is doing beyond listening for the sounds of danger.

Nothing approaches the impala while Dean is inside except for a raccoon that sniffs around the front wheel before ambling towards Castiel.

The raccoon crosses the empty parking lot and sniffs at his vessel's shoes. It looks up. Castiel knows it must be trying to comprehend what it's seeing but he can't even enter the mind of animals these days. He crouches down and strokes his vessel's hand down its back, removing ticks and lice with his grace. The raccoon freezes for a moment before backing away and scurrying off into the darkness.

The back door of the impala opens. Castiel looks up. The woman Dean had been talking to in the bar gets out. She adjusts her dress and hurries away. Castiel waits for Dean to pray to him to return.

He doesn't.

Castiel waits for fifteen minutes before Dean slides out of the back of the impala. Castiel thinks _now_ Dean will pray for him to return. Instead Dean checks his wallet and puts on his leather jacket and heads towards the bar they had been in. _Dean must think I stayed there._ Castiel thinks as he invisibly falls into step behind Dean. He'll follow him up to the front of the bar then fly in.

Dean doesn't go back to the bar they were in, instead he walks down the street and turns down another street and goes into a different bar. Castiel follows unseen to human eyes as Dean moves through the bar and sits down.

Castiel picks a location he can watch from where humans won't walk through him while they can't see him; it's an unsettling feeling. He waits in this second bar for the better part of two hours while Dean drinks and talks. No one appears to be a demon or infected. There's only one man that he's been keeping a wary eye on. He's been staring at Dean since he came into the bar and he smells dangerous but Dean seems to realize this, despite humans' profoundly poor sense of smell, and keeps away from him.

Eventually Dean leaves with a new acquaintance. Castiel follows them back to the car. They both get in. He sits down and waits. He wonders where the raccoon went.

Sometime later the man Dean brought back to the impala slides out of the back and adjusts his jacket much the way the woman slid out and adjusted her dress. He hurries away but not in the direction of the bar.

A few minutes later Castiel watches Dean shuffle out of the backseat without a shirt. The handprint he left behind glows dimly under the lights of the parking lot. Dean pulls his shirt on covering it up. He reaches into the back and grabs a plastic bag. He walks across the parking lot and throws it into a garbage can. He crosses back to the car and gets into the front.

This time Dean prays.

 


	24. Close Encounters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a steady ache throughout his grace that won't go away and it's distracting him from his job.

He spends the night gathering the supplies Dean and Bobby requested. It takes far longer than he'd like. There's a steady ache throughout his grace that won't go away and it's distracting him from his job.

It's not the ache of grace fading away. This is different. He ignores it...he tries his best to ignore it. For the few seconds he's in flight between Camp Chitaqua and various abandoned stores or Bobby's house he looks at his grace. He doesn't like what he sees.

 _Lucifer was right to describe it as shattering._ Castiel thinks as he prods at his grace. There are fine hairline cracks here and there that leak grace like a coarse sieve. He patches them the best he can and keeps going.

It's exhausting. It's exhausting the way travelling to 1978 without the aid of Heaven was exhausting. He pushes on. He has one last trip to Bobby's house to get books and then he'll be done for the night. _All I need to do is be still and rest for a few hours._ Castiel thinks as he flies. _A few hours to mend the fractures and—_

His thoughts are cut off as he crashes through a stack of rusting cars half materialized. He hits the ground hard enough to make the earth shake as the stack of cars falls towards him. He flies to Bobby's house aiming for the couch and stops three feet above it. He falls and hits the sturdy piece of furniture hard. Outside the cars tumble to the ground.

He lays still on the couch for a few moments healing the tears in his vessel. Human bodies were not built for close encounters with steel. _Dean makes jokes about that, close encounters._ Castiel thinks. He still doesn't know what the jokes mean but wonders if it would apply to his situation. He sits up. The room seems to shift and spin. He sees it and through it at the same time. _That isn't right._ He stands. Pain bursts in his grace. He sways on the spot then staggers across the room, _What was I looking for?_

He sits back down until he can sort his thoughts out. He came to Bobby's house to get books and something is wrong with his grace.


	25. This messy mortal human way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean doesn't know how to console a billion year old angel that's seen whole species live and die out.

Castiel doesn't move as the car comes to a stop behind him. He's heard Dean's car coming for the better part of an hour. He still isn't sure he wants to talk to Dean. _Or anyone else for that matter._

_Well at least you're predictable._ Dean thinks as he parks the car. He turns it off and gets out. Cas doesn't turn around. He comes to a stop beside Cas. He looks over the collapsed house they're standing in front of. It's a grave too. _There are worse ways to go these days._

Dean stands there beside Cas in silence until it starts to get dark. When it does he reaches over and clasps his hand onto Cas's shoulder, "Come on Cas. Time to go home."

Castiel nods. He follows Dean to the car and gets in.

They drive in silence because Dean doesn't know what to say. Kim had been his friend but he wasn't sleeping with her. Dean takes a sideways glance at Cas. It's not the first time someone's died around them but it's the first time someone Cas cared about died. Dean purses his lips. He doesn't know how to console a billion year old angel that's seen whole species live and die out. He's not stupid enough to think Cas is taking the whole thing philosophically. _We both know there's a Heaven. Kim couldn't have done anything to get herself kicked down to Hell....but it doesn't fucking matter when someone's gone does it?_

"I saved her." Castiel says. He's been thinking over the futility of their lives the past two days. _I saved her so she could die later._ Cas thinks bitterly. _What was the point?_

"Yeah." Dean agrees.

"Even if I was there when it happened....." Castiel says. He looks down to his hands in his lap, "I don't know if I could have saved her again."

"We can't save everyone every time, Cas." Dean says gently. The car falls silent again but a sob from beside him makes him jump. He nearly crashes the car. He's never heard that kind of sound come out of Cas before. He turns and looks. His eyes go wide. _Oh fuck._

Dean stops the car. It's dangerous and stupid to just stop the car in the middle of the road at night but Cas is breaking down right beside him. He puts the car in park but leaves it running just in case. He gets his seatbelt off and slides across the bench seat. He grabs Cas and pulls him against himself. He wraps his arms around him and starts murmuring nonsense into Cas's hair, "Hey, it's okay. I got you. Yeah I know. It's hurts."

" _It shouldn't."_ Cas sobs. None of this should be hurting him the way it is. He's watched countless humans from conception to death. _One more death shouldn't hurt this much._

"Yeah. I know." Dean says. "But it does."

Cas buries his face in Dean's shoulder. It's the first time he's cried in this messy mortal human way. _It feels awful._ Cas thinks between sobs, _Why can't I stop doing it?_

It _does_ stop eventually. He peels himself away from Dean. He's face hurts and his nose is running. Dean hands him tissues from a package in the glove box. Castiel accepts them silently.

Dean slides back into the driver's seat while Cas works out how to blow his nose. He glances over. Cas is awkwardly breathing into the kleenex and patting at his nose and making soft whimpering noises that feel like knives in his chest every time he hears them. He flicks his eyes back to the road, "You gotta-" He does an exaggerated snort, "-like that."

Cas mimics Dean. The fluid in his nose is forced out into the tissue. He feels marginally better, "Thank you."

"No problem buddy." Dean says. He watches Cas shift uncomfortably out of the corner of his eye. He puts his arm out and motions for Cas to slide over. He hears the seatbelt click as Cas undoes it. Seconds later he's got Cas, warm and solid, pressed up against his side. He wraps his arm around him.


	26. Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's so small a word but it changes everything.

"Michael!" Dean shouts again. "Michael! You goddamned feathered bastard! Michael I'm saying yes here!"

Castiel sits quietly in the car. He had come to find Dean to bring him to a meeting but now he just sits and listens. Dean hasn't seen him yet, hasn't noticed that he's here.

"Michael! I don't know where the hell you are but yes! Yes god damn it! How many times do I have to fucking say yes!?" Dean shouts at the sky, at the trees, at the collapsing church.

That word makes Cas shiver. _Yes_. It's so small a word but it changes everything.

"Yes! _Come on!_ **Yes**!" Dean shouts at the ground, he shouts at the burnt city in the distance, he turns and the last cry of _yes_ dies on his lips. He stares at Cas sitting quietly in the impala. Sitting and watching. _He didn't try to stop me._ Dean thinks and he's not sure if he's glad or bitter about it, _He didn't say a thing. How long has he been sitting there?_

Cas stares back at Dean. He doesn't have anything of comfort to say. He isn't even mad that Dean was trying to leave them on their own to fight. He had told Dean the angels were all gone. The only two angels that would come when prayed to now were himself and Lucifer. _You can say yes all you want_. Cas thinks sadly, _It won't change a thing. You chose to stay. I chose to stay. So here we are._

Dean gets into the car. He closes the door quietly. He pulls his jacket around himself and stuffs his hands into his pockets. He doesn't look at Cas "Wha'd'ya need?"

"Bobby would like to strategize with you." Castiel says watching Dean closely. He'd like to reach out and touch Dean but he knows Dean wouldn't like it. Dean would recoil under his touch. _And that would hurt so much more than you pointlessly screaming yes_. Cas thinks, _Why can't you let yourself take my comfort? You take everything else._ He turns away. He can hear Dean breathing a sigh of relief. He stares ahead looking at the collapsed church. "He thinks we can get into that lumber yard if we come up from behind and cross the river."

"Cross the river?" Dean tries to put his yelling match with silent angels out of his head, "Is he _trying_ to get me killed?"

Cas turns and wordlessly stares at him. Dean had sounded so bitter, as if he might actually prefer to die getting building supplies than continue to live. _Please. I don't want to be alone. Don't let him die on a ridiculous mission._ Cas sends up a prayer to his Father who isn't listening. _I know we've failed in so many ways but please, not yet_.

Dean isn't a mind reader but he knows what Cas is thinking because it's what he's thinking, _What do you care if you're trying to do it yourself?_ Dean sighs, _Why **do** I care? _ He glances up at Cas to find him staring back at him, _Oh yeah_.


End file.
